Antioch California Living

My friend met a guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks before, after living with her for three years. She thought that she was just going to be his “rebound” romance. He thought she may be that as well. But even though he could have used the excuse that he wasn’t ready yet, because he had “just gotten out of something,” he didn’t. Because he was really into her, he never let her feel that he wasn’t available to her. They are now in a serious relationship.

Greg, I Get It! by Janine, Age 43
I recently met a guy online whose wife had passed away three months earlier. We went out a few times and it was clear he wasn’t really ready to be dating. He was deeply grieving and spent a lot of time talking about his wife and how wonderful she was. I was tempted to take care of him, console him, and nurse him through this difficult period. I liked him and had fantasies about what he would be like when he was “better.” But then I realized that I didn’t want to be with someone who I had to “heal” into the relationship. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable dating him so soon after his wife’s death, but that I hadn’t closed any doors, and would love to see him again when more time had passed. Then I went back online andcontinued my search.

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG
A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn’t be a second date, because if she didn’t like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?

What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
l He’s married.
l Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers.
l There are cool, loving single men in the world. Find one of them to go out with.
l If a guy is yelling about his ex-wife or crying over his last girlfriend, try to find someone else to take you to the movies.
l He’s married.
l Don’t be that girl.
l You are not easily forgotten. Let him find you when he’s ready.

Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
List all the things you want or have ever wanted in a man. We’ll give you five lines. We’ll wait….
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now look at your list. Did “married” or “emotionally unavailable” make that list? Yeah, we didn’t think so. You’re far too classy and smart for that.

Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

Yes. You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there’s no mystery, and tell you up front that he’s not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.

Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz
Because it’s you—not someone you read about or heard about or saw on TV. It’s you and it’s hard. And you deserve happiness just like his wife or his girlfriend does. And sometimes people get married before they’ve actually met the person they’re meant to be with. Or marriages just die and there’s nothing left to them. And if they’re not married, but somehow deeply distracted by someone else, well, most men are usually coming out of some situation while they get into the next one…so why not hang on for dear life until he shakes off his ex?

The operative word in both cases here is “wait.” You have to do the waiting—the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He’s so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He’s that special. You, of course, aren’t at all.

Now, I happen to be really good at biding my time and asking for little and being happy with the even less that I get. I haven’t personally dated a married man, but I am an expert in dating emotionally unavailable ones. I have to be honest—it feels really noble and romantic and dramatic to be filled with longing and heartache, knowing the man you love, for whatever reason, can’t be yours right now. And you’re willing to wait for him, because your feelings for him are so very large and profound. (Of course, I am now suspicious that my feelings for them all felt so large and profound precisely because they couldn’t be mine, but I wouldn’t be able to prove that in court.) If you’re really comfortable with that, too, and nothing that this book or your friends or your therapist can say will help you change that, then eventually, I hope, like me, you’ll eventually just get tired of it.

Sometimes all the psychological help in the world can’t do anything. Sometimes boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw that great episode on Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again. That’s what happened to me, I think. I hope it will be a lot faster for you.

Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

Dear Greg,
I started going out with a guy who is really fun and sweet and a breath of fresh air. He calls when he says he’s going to, drives sort of far from where he lives to take me out, and we have been having a really nice time together. The only problem is he’s going through a really ugly custody battle and he can’t stop talking about it. Really. Even when I beg him not to, he can’t stop talking about his wife and how much he hates her, what a liar she is, and how he’s going to “take her down.” I understand this is a difficult time for him, and I don’t want to blow this justbecause it happens to be bad timing. Should I just try to be supportive and listen to him vent about it all?

pam

FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Dear Midnight at the Oasis,
Wow. So, he’s fun and sweet and a breath of fresh air, but can’t stop spewing bile and talking about his ex-wife. Sounds like a catch. Ladies, I mean it. I’m very sorry that it’s so hard to find a decent guy these days, that you’ll let any punctual male with the ability to dial the phone and drive a car get away with anything. It’s a sad state of affairs and I’m not sure what can be done about it. As for you, it sounds like there’s no chance of him being that into you any time soon, if only because there’s simply no room for it in his angry little head right now. Here’s my vote: It doesn’t sound like he’s given you good enough reason to keep sitting through his one-man show called “I Want to Kill My Wife.” If he misses you, he can get his act together and call you when his head is clearer. In the meantime, you have much better things to do with your time, including going out and buying a ticket to a much higher quality piece of theater.

Again, it’s never going to be good news if you have to think of your relationship in terms of “waiting for him.” He’s not a stock you’re supposed to be investing in. He’s a man who’s supposed to be emotionally available enough to talk to you, see you, and perhaps fall madly in love with you. That’s why he’s on a date with you. And if you want to ask for the absolute minimum, he can at least have the courtesy to be good company.

Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The hard part is realizing
that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing. Don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: He’s gone. Hallelujah. See ya in the funny papers, yellow-belly!

Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz
Oh, for Pete’s sake. This one is impossible. He disappeared. He just stopped calling you or writing you or seeing you out of the blue. You were in what you considered some sort of “relationship.” You felt that
whatever you had together warranted even the tiniest explanation if one of you decided to call it quits. But instead, there’s silence. No explanation, no good-bye. Just a vanishing. There’s nothing worse, in
dating terms, nothing worse, than that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when it looks like the guy you were seeing or getting to know has decided to bail on you instead of talking to you about it.
Nothing worse.

So first you feel hurt. But then you feel helpless, completely and totally helpless. He just disappeared, making you feel like you had absolutely no value or meaning to him whatsoever. And you might be shocked, too. He might not have ever behaved this way before. So now you’re also unbelievably disappointed. “Really? Now I have to not like him? Now I have to think he’s a jerk? That’s what this relationship added up to? There’s got to be some kind of reasonable explanation.” So then you start giving this great guy a big heap of your time and energy, making up excuses for why he’s disappeared (he’s busy, he’s busy…and maybe he’s busy), still hoping that he will come to his senses and at least drop you an e-mail. You then start going through everything you said, did, or wrote that might have driven him away. What was the thing you said that was so inappropriate or needy, that he had no other recourse than to head for the hills? You blame yourself for some perceived strategic misstep. “Oh, if only I had played it better! He would still be mine!” Or simply, you’re worried that he’s dead on the street somewhere. Why else would he just disappear like that?

Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

“I Don’t Want to Go Out with You” Means Just That
Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore, his sad, wistful “I miss you so much” voice on the other end of the phone? It’s validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. But resist you must. If he’s not calling you to tell you he hired a U-Haul to come pick up all your stuff and move it back into his house, then consider yourself a nice, downy little pillow cushioning him from his feelings of loneliness and loss that he’s not fully ready to deal with on his own.

The “But He Misses Me” Excuse
Dear Greg,
My boyfriend and I had been dating for two years, living together for one. We started fighting and having all sorts of problems. He broke up with me three weeks ago and I moved out. Of course, I’m devastated. The thing is, he calls me all the time. He wants to chat. He asks about my friends, and wants to know how my family is. He likes to keep up with the little details of my life, just as if we were going out. My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. What do you think? Brenda

Dear Misty Watered Colored Memories,
So glad he likes to keep up with the Way You Were. Who doesn’t need another phone pal, especially since you have a new phone and a new apartment? Put him on hold and listen to me, missy: A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person. If he’s not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, and poetry, it should only be because he’s too engrossed with his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting back on the right track. If he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him really know what it’s like to live without you.

Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

“What does breathing fresh air have to do with anything?”
“I’ll answer your question with one of Yogi Raman’s favorite sayings, ‘To breathe properly is to live properly.’”

“Breathing is that important?” I asked in surprise.
“Quite early on in Sivana, the sages taught me that the fastest way to double or even triple the amount of energy I had was to learn the art of effective breathing.”

“But don’t we all know how to breathe, even a newborn baby?”
“Not really, John. While most of us know how to breathe to survive, we have never learned how to breathe to thrive. Most of us breathe far too shallowly and in so doing, we fail to take in enough oxygen to run the body at an optimal level.”

“Sounds like proper breathing involves a lot of science.”
“It does. And the sages treated it that way. Their philosophy was simple: take in more oxygen through efficient breathing and you liberate your energy reserves along with your natural state of vitality.”

Taken From:THE MONK WHO SOLD HIS FERRARI

So then, you want to call him and say something. Or write him. You’re either angry or hurt, or still holding out hope that’s he’s in a coma at a hospital somewhere. But however you feel, you definitely think it is your right to either yell at him or find out what happened. What’s worse than not knowing? Nothing. Except maybe not getting to tell him off.

Greg would say that the best revenge in this situation is not anger, but emotional distance, as quickly as possible. Greg would say that we have the answer. He didn’t want to stick around, and wasn’t man enough to tell us to our face. Isn’t that answer enough? That’s when I would say to Greg, “No, actually it’s not. That answer’s definitely not good enough. I want to know why.” And then Greg would say, “Really? Are you sure? Do you really need him to detail every last reason why he didn’t feel like seeing you ever again?”

I hate Greg.
Breakups are horrible. But to me, what’s truly devastating is to feel like you weren’t even worth a breakup. Again, it’s natural to want to do something about that. Greg just wants that “something” to be about moving on, as opposed to looking back. Not having closure is one of the most difficult things for me (and many people) to live with, so I know why it might be impossible not to call the cad. But I guess Greg would lecture you again (he’s such a know-it-all), and say that before you make that phone call or write that e-mail, you should at least play it out in your head. Will it really make you feel better? Do you think it will really change the way he feels about what he did, or you? Is it the only thing you can think of that will help you move on? If it is, then I say to hell with Greg—give the guy a call. But I guess the hope is (for me, at least) that when a guy no longer wants to communicate with me, and doesn’t have the manners or courage to tell me that to my face, he’s given me all the information I need. It’s the toughest one of all to put into practice. But I definitely like the kind of girl who could do it. Good luck to us all!

Taken From: He’s Just Not That Into You

“Can a person’s mind actually be fully fearless?” I asked.
“Great question. The answer is an unequivocal and emphatic ‘Yes!’ Each and every one of the Sages of Sivana was absolutely fearless. You could see it in the way they walked. You could see it in the way they talked. You could see it when you looked deep into their eyes and I’ll tell you something else, John.”

“What,” I asked, fascinated by what I was hearing.
“I too am fearless. I know myself and I have come to see that my natural state is one of indomitable strength and unlimited potential. It was just that I was blocked by all those years of selfneglect and unbalanced thinking. I’ll tell you another thing. When you erase fear from your mind, you start to look younger and your health becomes more vibrant.”

‘Ah, the old mind-body connection,” I replied, hoping to mask
my ignorance. “Yes. The sages of the East have known about it for over five thousand years. Hardly ‘new age,’” he said, with a broad grin lighting up his radiant face.

“The sages shared another powerful principle with me which I think about often. I think it will be invaluable to you as you walk the path of self-leadership and personal mastery. It has given me motivation at times when I feel like taking things easy. The philosophy can be stated succinctly: what sets highly actualized people apart from those who never live inspired lives is that they do those things that less developed people don’t like doing—even though they might not like doing them either.

“Truly enlightened people, those who experience deep happiness daily, are prepared to put off short-term pleasure for the sake of long-term fulfillment. So they tackle their weaknesses and fears head on, even if dipping into the zone of the unknown brings with it a measure of discomfort. They resolve to live by the wisdom of kaizen, improving every aspect of themselves ceaselessly and continuously. With time, things that were once difficult become easy. Fears that once prevented them from all the happiness, health and prosperity they deserved fall to the wayside like stickmen toppled by a hurricane.”

Taken From:THE MONK WHO SOLD HIS FERRARI

“What was your response?”
“I fought back, what was I supposed to do, let him push me around?”

“Hmm. Okay. Then what happened?”
“Well, things went from bad to worse. The courthouse called and told me that Judge Wildabest needed to see me in his chambers and if I wasn’t there within ten minutes, ‘heads would roll.’ You remember Wildabest don’t you? You were the one who nicknamed him Judge Wild Beast after he held you in contempt for parking your Ferrari in his parking spot!” I recalled, breaking into laughter.

“You would have to bring that up, wouldn’t you?” Julian replied, his eyes revealing the remnants of that mischievous twinkle he was once well known for.

“Anyway I rushed down to the courthouse and had another argument with one of the clerks. By the time I got back to the office, there were twenty-seven phone messages waiting for me,
all marked ‘urgent.’ Need I go on?”

Taken From:THE MONK WHO SOLD HIS FERRARI

“Exactly how does one go about building courage?”
“It’s the same as the story: once you get yourself together, your world will be okay. Once you master your mind, body and character, happiness and abundance will flow into your life almost magically. But you must spend some time daily working on yourself, even if for only ten or fifteen minutes.”

“And what does the nine-foot-tall, nine-hundred-pound Japanese sumo wrestler symbolize in Yogi Raman’s fable?”
“Our hefty friend will be your constant reminder of the power of kaizen, the Japanese word for constant self-expansion and progress.”

In just a few hours, Julian had revealed the most powerful — and the most astonishing — information that I had ever heard in my lifetime. I had learned of the magic in my own mind and its treasure trove of potential. I had learned highly practical techniques to still the mind and focus its power on my desires and dreams. I had learned the importance of having a definite purpose in life and of setting clear goals in every aspect of my personal, professional and spiritual world. Now I had been exposed to the ageless principle of self-mastery: kaizen.

“How can I practice the art of kaizen?”
“I will give you ten ancient yet supremely effective rituals that will lead you far along the path of personal mastery. If you apply them on a daily basis, with faith in their utility, you will observe remarkable results in just one month from today. If you continue to apply them, incorporating the techniques into your routine such that they become habits, you are bound to reach a state of perfect health, limitless energy, lasting happiness and peace of mind. Ultimately, you will reach your divine destiny — for this is your birthright.”

“Yogi Raman offered the ten rituals to me with great faith in what he termed their ‘exquisiteness’ and I think you will agree that I am living proof of their power. I simply ask that you listen to what I have to say and judge the results for yourself.”

“Life-changing results in only thirty days?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yes. The quid pro quo is that you must set aside at least one hour a day for thirty consecutive days to practice the strategies I am about to offer to you. This investment in yourself is all it takes.
And please don’t tell me that you don’t have the time.”

Taken From:THE MONK WHO SOLD HIS FERRARI